First Post

I've been meaning to start this blog for a while now. The time to get my act together and write this first post has come.

The name is Samir. I've always found names interesting. Labels used to acknowledge the fact that we are separate human beings. Human beings with different life stories, different goals and different ambitions. A name is such an integral part of who you are, yet it is rarely chosen. You get assigned a name by your parents, you grow up and and you come to accept it and introduce yourself by it; The name is Samir, whether I like it or not.

Here I am, coming to accept yet another thing about myself that I didn't choose. From the title of the blog you probably already guessed what I'm referring to.

I am gay. There, I said it.

Throughout my teenage years, that thought would haunt me. My heart would sink every time it made its way to the surface. I would ignore it. No way! I'd think. It can't happen to me. Of course, I knew other people could be gay. But me? That's just silly.

I would shove that thought back into deep, dark waters. In a place from which there was no return. However, the beast kept coming back. And as if nourished by the neglect, it came back stronger every time. It would start to consume more and more of my concentration.

"Are you okay?", my mother would ask. Their maternal instinct tells them that something is up.

"Yeah, I'm fine". That's a thing I could never tell her.

Things kept getting worse over the years. I was going round in circles in my head, it certainly wasn't healthy;

I'm gay ... Or am I? ... I can't be! ... But I'm attracted to men. Ya rabbi, I must be ... My life is over ... what if I'm not though. Think hard of a girl you're attracted to Samir, there must be one ....think ... THINK ...  Oh Tamara, that girl from lectures ... She's pretty, I guess. She has a nice slim body, That's nice no? ... Those curves would be nice to touch, I guess. Come on... Get hard. you can do it! Prove to yourself you're straight... prove to yourself that you're normal

It's easy to see how that would be mentally draining. It was exhausting!

It took time to finally admit that it was a losing battle. I've been denying myself the right to be who I am. I was pretending to be someone I'm not.

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That's what my culture always taught me. You can never be untrue to your 'nature', because at the end of the day nature wins. For years I was hiding from myself. Well not anymore.

I am gay, whether I like it or not.