Happy Leap Day

It's February the 29th! And with it, I'm taking a leap of faith that things will change. A leap of faith that 20 years down the line I will be happy, that I will still want to see more of my life.

Yesterday was a downer for me. I signed up for a Jordanian forum called mahjoob.com. In it people get to discuss everything standard Jordanians go through. From political views on the Arab spring, to simply ranting about a mishap on public transport.

I tried to share my story and discuss the elephant in the room; homosexuality in our region. I thought it started well, but less than a day in, I was banned. Banned for being myself and banned for asking for social acceptance.

I was hopeless; realising that I am fighting a colossal mountain, it also left me feeling scared and disgruntled. It was a taster of my worst nightmare; shunned from my own society for being me.

I need the leap of faith, that things will change. It's all what I got.

HappYness

The pursuit of happyness. That movie really made me think. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's basically a true story of this guy longing to feel happy. Without ruining too much of it, him and his kid end up on the streets of San Francisco. Rushing from one homeless shelter to another; one night, they  resort to sleeping in a public toilet at a subway station. Realising that he has hit rock bottom, we see him trying to hold back the tears with the son sleeping in his lap. A very emotional scene.

How does that relate to my situation, you ask? I'm not saying that I have it as bad as a homeless man. Maybe in some way the movie made me realise how bad things could be. At least I have a bed I go home to every night; food pretty much guaranteed on the table; friends I could trust, and a family whom, despite not knowing my secret, I will always love. Things could be much worse I remind myself. A quick glance at Al-Jazeera's hourly news update and events in Homs make that very clear. Things could be much worse.

But the movie gave me insight into the struggle a class of society goes through daily. A struggle I completely dismissed every time I walked by a homeless dude. We drive past them, and whether at a traffic light or outside a mosque, we silently judge them. We judge them for their choices (?) that brought them to where they are now. As if they purposely decided to end up in that situation.; dirty, sad and exhausted. Was that the future they had in mind for themselves as kids?

I never understood why we do that. Why do we judge them? What part of human nature allows for such inhumane thoughts to come to our heads? Is it the sense of superiority it gives us? Their failure somehow highlighting what we've accomplished in our lives, and we thus feel better? We forget that we are all humans pursuing happiness. Wanting to feel better.

They do say it gets better, however I can't help but feel that people will look at my sexuality and feed off my failure. I failed to fit into the social norm of our homophobic society in the same way that homeless person failed when life threw its worse at him and took all what he's got. 

We get so involved in pursuing our own happiness that sometimes we forget we have the keys to the happiness of others. Whether that key is securing a man's lunch for the day or simply giving another the much needed social acceptance, we forget. And we ride each others' fears and feed off the anxieties. We try and pull each other down, hoping that this would maybe get us a little bit closer to the top. 

Weird ass monument on the 7th circle - using monument

in the loosest sense of the word here

A very cynical view of our society, I know. But I even think that's what the weird monument on the seventh circle represents. They say it shows people striving for education, But I see people fighting over happiness; forgetting it could be shared. Forgetting we can all bloody have it if we stopped stepping on each other's heads to get to it. Forgetting that getting to the the top means nothing when you're there all by yourself. 

... Or maybe it's just the mood I'm in when I'm stuck in traffic over there. 

First Post

I've been meaning to start this blog for a while now. The time to get my act together and write this first post has come.

The name is Samir. I've always found names interesting. Labels used to acknowledge the fact that we are separate human beings. Human beings with different life stories, different goals and different ambitions. A name is such an integral part of who you are, yet it is rarely chosen. You get assigned a name by your parents, you grow up and and you come to accept it and introduce yourself by it; The name is Samir, whether I like it or not.

Here I am, coming to accept yet another thing about myself that I didn't choose. From the title of the blog you probably already guessed what I'm referring to.

I am gay. There, I said it.

Throughout my teenage years, that thought would haunt me. My heart would sink every time it made its way to the surface. I would ignore it. No way! I'd think. It can't happen to me. Of course, I knew other people could be gay. But me? That's just silly.

I would shove that thought back into deep, dark waters. In a place from which there was no return. However, the beast kept coming back. And as if nourished by the neglect, it came back stronger every time. It would start to consume more and more of my concentration.

"Are you okay?", my mother would ask. Their maternal instinct tells them that something is up.

"Yeah, I'm fine". That's a thing I could never tell her.

Things kept getting worse over the years. I was going round in circles in my head, it certainly wasn't healthy;

I'm gay ... Or am I? ... I can't be! ... But I'm attracted to men. Ya rabbi, I must be ... My life is over ... what if I'm not though. Think hard of a girl you're attracted to Samir, there must be one ....think ... THINK ...  Oh Tamara, that girl from lectures ... She's pretty, I guess. She has a nice slim body, That's nice no? ... Those curves would be nice to touch, I guess. Come on... Get hard. you can do it! Prove to yourself you're straight... prove to yourself that you're normal

It's easy to see how that would be mentally draining. It was exhausting!

It took time to finally admit that it was a losing battle. I've been denying myself the right to be who I am. I was pretending to be someone I'm not.

الطبع غلب التطبع

That's what my culture always taught me. You can never be untrue to your 'nature', because at the end of the day nature wins. For years I was hiding from myself. Well not anymore.

I am gay, whether I like it or not.